Blonde on the Barricade
by Skippy1
Summary: A frustrated Enjolras has to deal with whiney students, a blonde Cosette, his mother, and a suicidal Eponine on the barricade...
1. Guess the Musical!

Disclaimer: I do not own Les Miserables, and I'm making no profit from this.  
  
Chapter 1  
  
"Yodelayeyeyeyayoyoyoyo," yodeled Marius as he stood on the hill overlooking the French countryside. Enjolras punched him lightly on the shoulder.  
  
"That is Switzerland. Or Germany. We are in France," he said.  
  
"Oh," replied Marius. "The hills are alive, with the sound of music," he sang.  
  
"Austria," muttered Enjolras.  
  
"Seventy six trombones led the big parade!"  
  
"Iowa."  
  
"Don't cry for me Argentina!"  
  
"Here's an obvious one. Argentina."  
  
"We'll open up a restaurant in Santa Fe!"  
  
"Here's a tricky one. New York."  
  
"So what can I sing?" sighed Marius.  
  
"Um, this is a Les Miserables fic, why don't you sing something from there?" replied Enjolras.  
  
"Oh yeah!" exclaimed Marius. "On my own, pretending he's beside me," he sang. "All alone, I walk with him 'til morning. Without him, I feel his arms around me, and when I lose my way I close my eyes, and he has found me." Enjolras raised his eyebrow and looked at him. He sighed and shook his head. He wondered about Marius sometimes. Suddenly Marius's girlfriend Cosette came up to them.  
  
"So, like, what are we, like, doing?" she asked. She twirled a few strands of her blonde hair around her finger. Marius was still singing.  
  
"We are preparing for battle," said Enjolras.  
  
"That, like, sounds like so much, like, fun!" Cosette squealed. "I am so there!"  
  
"Actually, it is quite horrific and depressing," replied Enjolras.  
  
"Oh don't worry, I like, absolutely love scary movies!" said Cosette.  
  
"Movies haven't been invented yet," said Enjolras.  
  
"You like, know what I like, mean," she said. Marius was still singing. They both looked at him. "Like, snap out of it silly," said Cosette. She slapped him on the shoulder. Marius jumped and looked as if he had been awoken from a trance.  
  
"Oh, hey honey," he said. After an awkward silence, Marius began to yodel again. Enjolras opened his mouth to speak, but closed it.  
A/N: Yeah. this story is pretty dumb so far, and sorry this chapter is so short, but I'll try to spruce it up a bit in the next chapters. 


	2. Manicures

Chapter 2  
  
The other revolutionaries had arrived an hour ago. Cosette had gone home to change, and Marius had gone with her. Personally Enjolras hoped she didn't come back.  
  
"All right men, let's start building the barricade!" Enjolras yelled. Everyone looked up at him and sighed.  
  
"Do we have to?" asked Joly. He was filing his nails.  
  
"Yes, we do! Remember freedom! We must fight for the greater good!" said Enjolras.  
  
"Ugh, but what if someone breaks a nail?" exclaimed Grantaire. There were shudders throughout the crowd. Enjolras jaw nearly dropped.  
  
"Since when have you cared about nails?" asked Enjolras. As if to make matters worse, Cosette and Marius showed up again. Cosette was wearing a green camouflage army outfit, complete with a helmet. Enjolras stared at her.  
  
"Um, all right," he said uncertainly. "Anyways, we need to start building the barricade now. I don't want to hear about nails or anything like that. No complaining. Now grab whatever you can and begin building the barricade!" he ordered. Everyone reluctantly got up and began building.  
  
"Ugh, like, are you saying we like, have to like, work?" asked Cosette.  
  
"Yes, Cosette," said Enjolras impatiently. Marius laughed because what Enjolras said sort of rhymed.  
  
"Oh but I just got a manicure done," said Cosette, holding up her hand. "Like, look at these nails! I couldn't like, ruin them!" Enjolras nearly screamed.  
  
"Manicures haven't even been invented yet!" he yelled. "Now get to work!" He pointed to the other men who had begun building.  
  
"Ugh, fine, be that way," she said. She and Marius walked over to the other men. Enjolras could hear them talking.  
  
"I don't know what's gotten into him."  
  
"He used to be so considerate." Enjolras gritted his teeth as he reviewed his strategical plans.  
  
"Excuse me," said a woman's voice. Enjolras looked up. It was Eponine, one of Marius's friends. "I heard you were building a barricade."  
  
"Yes," said Enjolras.  
  
"I also heard that you didn't have a chance, and everyone here was getting killed," she continued.  
  
"Um."  
  
"I would like to join you," she said.  
  
"This is no place for a lady," said Enjolras. "You could be killed."  
  
"You let her come along!" she retorted. She pointed to Cosette.  
  
"Yeah, but I hate her," he said. "I would be happy if she was killed."  
  
"So would I, she stole my boyfriend," sniffed Eponine. "He doesn't love me now. Woe is me! Woe is me!" She began to cry and blew her nose on Enjolras's sleeve. "Can I please stay so I can be killed and be through with my wretched life?" she begged. Enjolras sighed.  
  
"I guess, if you want to that much. But if you stay, you have to go help them build the barricade." He pointed.  
  
"We have to work? Can't we just get shot at and killed and be done with it?" she asked.  
  
"They won't shoot if we don't block their path," explained Enjolras. Eponine's eyes widened. She ran over and began building at a ferocious rate. Enjolras was a little upset that Eponine was only in it for suicide purposes, but at least he got a good worker out of it. And if someone ever had to go across enemy lines for supplies or something, she would gladly do it. Maybe I should get more suicidal people, thought Enjolras. 


	3. A Letter From Mother

Disclaimer:  I don't own Les Miserables or Campbell's Chicken Noodle Soup or anything for that matter.

Chapter 3

            A postal worker came up to Enjolras and handed him a package.  

"This is from your mother," the postal worker muttered.  Enjolras reluctantly opened it and glanced at what was inside.  He turned bright red, quickly closed it, and ran off behind a tree where no one could see him.  He opened the box again and looked at his old Boo Boo Bear, and a thermos with something warm inside.  He found a letter and read it:

_Dear my little Enjy,_

_            You forgot your Boo Boo Bear!  I know you can never sleep without him, so I decided to send him to you.  I also sent some of your favorite Campbell's Chicken Noodle Soup!  Eat it quickly so it will stay warm.  Now then, how are you doing out there?  I hope you are playing nice with the other little boys.  I don't want to be a fuss, but I couldn't help but to notice that you never cleaned your room like I told you.  Please come back tonight and clean it.  It shouldn't take too long.  Don't make me come get you.  I'll give you more soup too. _

_                                                                                    Love,_

_                                                                                        Mommy_

            "Mother. . ." whined Enjolras under his breath.  Tonight was probably going to be the first battle.  He wasn't going to miss it because he was cleaning his room.  And he hadn't slept with his Boo Boo Bear in years!  All right, months.  All right, days!  But a lot of days!  Anyway, he decided to just ignore the letter.  He put the package inside the hollow log he had sat on and walked away.  He saw the postal worker was still there, eyeing everyone suspiciously and recognized him.  

            "Hello Javert," he said to him.  Javert jumped and looked at him.

            "Blast!  My identity has been revealed!" exclaimed Javert.

            "Next time, why don't you try disguising yourself?" suggested Enjolras.

            "That is brilliance!" exclaimed Javert.  "Anyways, I am looking for escaped convict 24601.  His name is Jean Valjean.  Let me get his picture for you."  He took out his wallet and rummaged through the pictures.  

            "You keep a picture of this guy in your wallet?" questioned Enjolras.  Javert turned bright red.  

            "Well, um, no, um, well, yes, well, um, it's strictly for business purposes," he stuttered.  "Here's the um, picture."  He showed Enjolras a picture of a middle-aged man with his shirt off.

             "Never seen him before," said Enjolras.  

            "Blast!" exclaimed Javert.  "And he was such a good lover too!  I mean, um, um, um.  I have to go!"  He ran off, but dropped his wallet.  He ran back to Enjolras and picked it up.  "I bid you farewell, monsieur," he said.  Then he ran off again.  Enjolras shuddered at the thought of Javert and some old guy in a bed together, then went off to continue working on the barricade.   

A/N:  This chapter was basically just to entertain the few readers I have.  Plot is coming in the next chapter, but I have to sort out a few minor details so it might be a few days.  Please review!!!


	4. Mother Knows Best

Disclaimer: Don't own Les Miserables or Denzel Washington or anything and not making money off of this.  
  
A/N: Heehee, got bored with the whole trying to come up with a plot thing. . . so I wrote this nonsensical chapter. Sorry for the people who wanted organized storytelling. . .  
  
Chapter 4  
  
Enjolras looked up at the many stars in the sky. It was very dark and he could see more stars than he could ever see before. It would have been romantic if he had had someone special to share it with.  
  
"Oh, this is so like, romantic. Like, sing me a love song Marius," said Cosette not far off. Enjolras grumbled. He saw Marius open his mouth, but he was interrupted.  
  
"Hey you people! Surrender or we will shoot and kill you all! Mwhahahaha!" yelled someone on the other side of the barricade. Enjolras jumped to his feet and grabbed his gun.  
  
"We'll never surrender!" he yelled to the other side. "This is it!" he shouted to everyone else. "Don't back down!" Everyone began to panic, but eventually they all got in the right spot with the right gun.  
  
"This is so, like, exciting!" squealed Cosette. She clapped her hands in glee. Suddenly the people on the other side of the barricade began to shoot. Everyone ducked and covered up their heads. Enjolras stuck his head up above the barricade just enough to see and fired a few shots. Then he looked down and checked on everyone else. He was the only one firing. Everyone else was covering up their heads and clutching their guns, not firing them. Except Eponine, she was running around like crazy.  
  
"I don't want to die!" whimpered Joly.  
  
"I do!" laughed Eponine madly.  
  
"Oh, like, don't worry, it will like, be fun!" exclaimed Cosette to Joly.  
  
"You dummies!" yelled Enjolras. "We are supposed to be firing the guns and fighting! Am I supposed to get on top of a table and sing a song to get you in the spirit again?" Everyone whimpered in response. Enjolras screamed. "It is no use with you people! What do I have to do to make you fight with me?" Then suddenly Enjolras had a brilliant idea. "All right," he said calmly. "If you fight well, and we win this battle, then we'll all go out for ice cream, my treat." Everyone looked at him hopefully.  
  
"We will?" asked Joly.  
  
"Yes," responded Enjolras. "We will. Now let's go kick some butt!" Everyone cheered and peeped over the barricade and fired a few shots. Then a few shots came back and everyone ducked back over the barricade, whimpering.  
  
"How much ice cream?" asked Grantaire. Enjolras opened his mouth to speak, but was interrupted just like Marius.  
  
"ENJY MY BOY!" screamed a familiar voice. Enjolras's jaw dropped and he ran his hand through his hair.  
  
"Oh, no," he whispered. His mother appeared out of the darkness.  
  
"Enjy!" exclaimed his mother. "Why didn't you come back and clean your room like I asked you to? I sent a wonderful young man to send you a package with the letter!"  
  
"Mom!" whined Enjolras. "I'm in the middle of a battle here!" He gave her his puppy dog face.  
  
"Hmph," said Enjolras's mother. "I'll take care of that." She began to climb on top of the barricade.  
  
"Mom?" said Enjolras. "What do you think you are doing? Did Dad forget to give you your medication? Mom! Get down from there! It's dangerous! You'll be shot!"  
  
"I want to be shot!" exclaimed Eponine. She began climbing the barricade too. By then Enjolras's mother was standing on the top of the barricade.  
  
"Ya'll stop attacking my little boy and his friends!" threatened Enjolras's mother to the other side of the barricade. "Play nice! Don't make me come down there and get out my belt!" The firing immediately stopped.  
  
"Sorry ma'am!" yelled someone on the other side. By then Eponine was on top of the barricade.  
  
"Fooey, I was so close," she remarked. Enjolras's mother and Eponine began getting down.  
  
"Now then, Enjy," said his mother. "You must come home immediately to clean your room. It smells awful in there!"  
  
"But Enjolras owes us ice cream!" protested Joly. There were other complaints throughout the crowd.  
  
"Enjolras will give you ice cream after he cleans his room," said Enjolras's mother. But Enjolras didn't want to go home.  
  
"Look Mom, it's um, Denzel Washington!" he lied.  
  
"WHERE?" his mother gasped.  
  
"Um, that way! Run, Mom, run! I'm right behind you!" Enjolras's mother ran off. Enjolras let out a sigh of relief.  
  
"Phew! That was close!" he exclaimed.  
  
"Where's our ice cream!" demanded Grantaire. Enjolras gasped. He had forgotten that ice cream hadn't been invented yet! 


	5. Evil Laughs

Disclaimer:  Don't own Les Miserables or Rent or anything.  

Chapter 5

            "Marius, sing me a like, love song," sighed Cosette.  Enjolras as well as just about everyone else who had heard Cosette groaned and covered their ears.  Marius had a tendency to get songs wrong, and even if he got the right song, the notes were usually wrong.  But suddenly Enjolras decided to take this to his advantage.  Before Marius could open his mouth, Enjolras pulled him aside.

            "Marius," he whispered into Marius's ear.  "I'll show you how to make her propose!"  Everyone strained closer to hear what Enjolras was telling Marius, but all they heard was inaudible whispers.  Enjolras pulled away after a moment, and Marius beamed and nodded his head like a puppy about to do his first trick.  Marius turned his head to Cosette, still beaming, and began to sing.

_Who do you think you are_

_Barging in on me and my guitar_

_Little girl, hey_

_The door is that way,_

_You'd better go, you know, the fire's out anyway_

_Take your powder_

_Take your candle_

_Your sweet whisper I just can't handle_

_Better take your hair in the moonlight _

_Your brown eyes_

Goodbye, goodnight 

Marius didn't get any farther before Cosette interrupted.

            "You like, loser!" she yelled.  "I like, hate you!  After all that we've, like, had!"  Marius's beam turned instantly into a frown.  She took off her shoe and threw it at him, but Marius managed to catch it.  "And I have green eyes, but it's not like you would know!"  She stormed off. 

            "YES!" exclaimed Enjolras, a little too loud.  He covered up his mouth.  "I mean, um, oh."  Marius was confused.  

            "Enjolras!" he whined. 

            "Um, don't worry," said Enjolras.  "She'll come back, and then she'll love you more than ever!"  Enjolras snickered.  After Marius finished moping around and went to take a nap, Enjolras let out an evil laugh.

            "Mwhahahahahahaha!"  He coughed.  Where did that come from, he wondered.  Suddenly Eponine came running in from nowhere.  

            "Did Marius break up with Cosette?" she screamed.  Enjolras nodded.  

            "Sort of," he said.  

            "But is Cosette gone?"

            "Yes." 

            "Glory Hallelujah!" she screamed in delight.

"You're telling me," muttered Enjolras to himself.  Eponine let out a girlish laughed and clapped her hands in glee.  

"Where is he?" she asked.

"Napping," replied Enjolras.  Eponine laughed again and skipped over to Marius's cot.  She began to sing.

Don't you fret, Monsieur Marius 

_You shouldn't be feeling any pain_

_The best is yet to come_

_Forget that whore Cosette_

_I'm here, that's all you need to know_

_And I will keep you safe_

_And I will keep you close_

_And Cosette can rot in hell for all we care_

Then she realized Marius was asleep.  

She decided not to wake him up; it might make him grumpy.  But the moment he woke up, he would forget all about Cosette!  

"Mwhahahaha!" she laughed quietly to herself.  Where did that come from, she wondered.  

A/N:  The song that Enjolras told Marius to sing was an actual song, from the musical Rent.   And also if anyone knows how to put stuff in italics on here, please tell me!  Unless the italics actually worked on this.  You see, I am too lazy to keep on uploading this.  


	6. Clouds

A/N:  Sorry it took me so long to update.  My stupid teachers decided my classmates and I weren't being challenged enough, so there have been loads of homework lately.  I have an idea for an ending; hopefully I will finish this story soon.  It shouldn't be more than 10 chapters.  Again, if anyone knows how to put things in italics on here, please, please tell me.  

Chapter 6

            Marius was asleep for a while, and Eponine got tired of waiting, so she decided to take a nap as well.  Of course, right after she fell asleep, Marius woke up.

            "Is Cosette back yet?" he grumbled as he rubbed his eyes.

            "No," replied Enjolras.  He snickered under his breath.  Marius sighed and began to sing.

_On my own,_

_Pretending she's beside me_

_All alone, I walk with her 'til morning_

_Without her-_

Marius was interrupted by a flying pillow and numerous people screaming, "SHUT UP!!!" Marius sighed and lied 

back down on his back, looking at the clouds.

"That one looks like Cosette," he remarked as he pointed to a cloud.

"It looks like a frog," replied Enjolras.

"It looks like a rat," replied Joly.

"It looks like a bottle of wine," replied Grantaire.

"No, it looks like Cosette!" said Marius adamantly.  He stood up and grabbed his bag.  "And I'm going to find her

and apologize!  What you told me to do didn't work, Enjolras!"  

            "No!" exclaimed Enjolras.  "You have to stay here!  If you go and apologize, it doesn't work!"  Enjolras was hoping that Marius would just forget about Cosette, so he wouldn't have to see her again.

            "I don't believe you!" yelled Marius.  He began to walk off.  Marius's yelling woke up Eponine.

            "Huh?" she said, rubbing her eyes.  She saw Marius walking away.  "Marius!  No!  Don't leave me!  I mean, us!" she exclaimed.

            "Yeah!  Don't go looking for Cosette, then she'll just dump you permanently!" yelled Enjolras.

            "Dump him permanently?  Leave Marius!  Leave!  Get out of here!" said Eponine.  "Go get dumped permanently," she added under her breath.  

            "No!  Eponine, don't tell him to leave!  You don't understand," said Enjolras to Eponine.

            "Huh?" questioned Eponine.  Enjolras took a deep breath.

            "I told him to sing the wrong song to her so she would dump him and I wouldn't see the dummy ever again and he was disappointed when he was dumped because he didn't want to be dumped and if he goes out looking for her and apologizes then she'll take him back and then I have to deal with her again so I told him he would just be dumped again if he goes out looking for her and she only gets really happy with him when she comes back!" explained Enjolras very, very, quickly.  He began to breathe again.  

            "Oh," said Eponine.  "So I should tell him to stay?"

            "Yes."

            "Marius! Come back!" she yelled.  But Marius was already gone.  

            "Noooo," whined Enjolras.  "Now when he finds Cosette and apologizes and everything, they will both come back!"

            "And he will never love me!" added Eponine.

            "I feel a song coming on," grumbled Joly.  Eponine began to sing.

_On my own,_

_Pretending he's beside me_

_All alone,_

_I walk with him 'til morning_

_Without him-_

            Again, she was interrupted by a flying pillow and numerous people screaming, "SHUT UP!!!"  Eponine whimpered.  

            "We have to find him and bring him back!" she exclaimed.

            "Or we could just kill Cosette," suggested Enjolras.  He grinned at the thought.  

            "How 'bout we just go looking for one of them, and whichever one we find first," said Eponine.  Enjolras shrugged.  

            "Sure."  He turned to the other men.  "Who wants to be in charge while we're gone?"  Everyone waved their hands in the air.

            "Ooh!  Pick me, pick me!"

            "No, pick me!"

            "Hm," said Enjolras.  "Gavroche, you're in charge."

            "Yay!" squealed Gavroche.  "In your face Joly!"

            "Gavroche?  The little nine year-old orphan?" exclaimed Joly

            "He is the bravest of all you chickens," explained Enjolras.

            "Hmph," muttered Joly.  Gavroche laughed.

            "Okay," said Enjolras.  "Let's go."                       

A/N:  Does this chapter make sense?  Probably not.  I don't remember how old Gavroche is; he's probably not nine like I said, but if someone tells me in the reviews I'll change it.


	7. The Big Bad Wolf

Chapter 7  
  
Eponine and Enjolras had been searching for Marius and/or Cosette for a few hours with no luck.  
  
"Do you think they've found each other?" asked Eponine as they walked through a forest.  
  
"I don't know," answered Enjolras. "I thought he would go back to the barricade if he had found her."  
  
"Well, how do we know they aren't at the barricade?" asked Eponine. Enjolras stopped walking.  
  
"We don't know, do we?" said Enjolras. Eponine shook her head. Enjolras walked over to the nearest tree and began banging his head on it, but Eponine pulled him back.  
  
"Save your energy to bang Cosette's head on a tree," she told him.  
  
"Okay, what are we going to do?" said Enjolras. "Even if we find Marius, what are we going to do with him?"  
  
"I don't know. What was the point of this. . . expedition anyway?"  
  
"I don't know."  
  
"Well doesn't someone have to know?"  
  
"I don't know if anyone has to know!"  
  
"Well, do you at least know the way back to the barricade?"  
  
Enjolras paused for a moment, then groaned, "No. . ." Eponine sat down on a log and screamed.  
  
"This is just great! I am stuck here, in a forest, without even my beloved Marius!" she exclaimed.  
  
"Oh, what do you see in him anyway?" said Enjolras. "He is stupid, and. . . he's just stupid!"  
  
"Well then why are you here, trying to get him to come back to the barricade? If you think he's stupid, why didn't you just let him leave with Cosette?"  
  
Enjolras opened his mouth to speak, but he didn't have any comeback to retort. He sat down on the log by, buried his face in his hands, and muttered, "Stupid, stupid, stupid." Eponine laughed slightly at Enjolras's misery.  
  
"Well, I'll be going to find Marius now," she said. "I assume you want to go back to the barricade." Enjolras nodded. "And look, if he's there with Cosette, send Gavroche or someone, and I'll come back."  
  
"How will he find you?" Eponine shrugged.  
  
"Somehow, that little kid seems to know everything. He'll find me."  
  
"All right. Bye."  
  
"Bye." Eponine walked off, and after a brief moment, Enjolras walked off in the opposite direction.  
  
Gavroche yelled into the megaphone, "All right men, let's practice this. Fire!" Everyone put their guns over the barricade and fired their guns.  
  
"Gavrooooooooooooche!" whined Jehan. "My gun is broken!" He put the gun down and began sucking his thumb. Joly gasped.  
  
"Do you know how many germs are on that thumb!" he exclaimed.  
  
"I don't caaaaaaaare!" Jehan whined as he stomped his foot.  
  
"You two!" yelled Gavroche as he pointed to Jehan and Joly. "Stop that bickering and give me twenty pushups!"  
  
"But my gun is broken!" protested Jehan, sticking out his lower lip.  
  
"But there are germs on the ground! How could we. . . put our hands on it?" protested Joly.  
  
"If the gun is broken, then fix it! And you can wash your hands after you give me thirty pushups!" ordered Gavroche.  
  
"You said twenty!"  
  
"Thirty-five!" Jehan and Joly reluctantly got on the ground into pushup position. Joly did thirty-five pushups extremely fast, then got up and ran as fast as he could to the river, holding his hands as far away from his body as possible, screaming,  
  
"Ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew!" Jehan finished the pushups slower and afterwards tried to fix his gun.  
  
Enjolras was totally lost, and it was beginning to get dark. He didn't see anything familiar, and saw no signs of anyone. He hurried along quickly, hoping to get somewhere before it was too dark.  
  
Eponine was just as lost as Enjolras. It was beginning to get dark, and she couldn't find any signs of civilized life. She began to walk faster, hoping to find her beloved Marius to protect her. Suddenly she heard a wolf howl. Eponine let out a small whimper and walked even faster. The wolf howled again, this time closer, and she began running. A moment later, she heard numerous wolves howling at once, and footsteps. She ran as fast as she could, and suddenly she ran into something, fell down, and let out an ear-piercing scream.  
  
"Eponine?!?" exclaimed a voice.  
  
"Marius?!?" exclaimed Eponine excitedly. "Marius is that you?" She sat up, leaned forward, squinted at the figure lying on the ground, and was just able to make out Enjolras's relieved face by the moonlight. "Oh you," she said, disappointed. "Damn." Enjolras's relieved face turned into a frown. Suddenly the wolf howled again, they both screamed, and leaped into each other's arms. Enjolras immediately let go, muttering,  
  
"You are such a baby."  
  
"Hello?" exclaimed Eponine. "We both freaked out." Enjolras didn't answer. The wolf howled again and Eponine outstretched her arms. Enjolras promptly jumped into them.  
  
"I have a confession," whispered Enjolras. "I'm scared." Eponine just laughed quietly to herself.  
  
A/N: Are there wolves in France? Probably not, but oh well. 


	8. Claustrophobia

Chapter 8

            "I love you Enjy," whispered Eponine into Enjolras's ear. 

            "I love you too, 'Ponine," he whispered back.  Their lips touched in a soft embrace.  Suddenly Enjolras kicked her.

            "What?" muttered Eponine, confused.

            "Get up," said Enjolras.  

            "What?" she said again, still confused.

            "Get up!"  He kicked her again. 

****************

Eponine suddenly woke up from a dream, and Enjolras was kicking her madly.

"Get up, get up, get up, get up!" he almost yelled.  

"I'm up!" she moaned.  "Stop kicking me!"  She slowly got up off the ground and leaned against a tree. "So what are we going to do?" she asked.  "We are stuck here, lost, in a forest, and we don't know which way to go."

"I don't know," responded Enjolras.  "Just. . . start walking, I guess."

"Together?"

"Yeah.  So you don't accidentally go back to the barricade and I don't find Marius."

"Right.  So let's go."  As they took their first step, they suddenly heard a familiar voice singing.      

She'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes 

_She'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes_

_She'll be comin' round the mountain_

_She'll be comin' round the mountain_

_She'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes_

_She'll be wearin' pink pajamas when she com-_

"MOMMY!" screamed Enjolras.  "I mean, um, Mom!"  He began running in the direction of the voice.

"Enjy!" exclaimed Enjolras's mother.  "What are you doing out here in the forest?  Look at you!  You're all dirty!  You spend the night out here?  What have I told you about-"  She caught view of Eponine, and said,  "Ohhhh.  I see. . ."  She nudged Enjolras with her elbow.  "Been getting a little. . .frisky, eh?"  Both Eponine and Enjolras turned bright red.

"Oh no, Mom, we were just lost in the forest looking for Marius," said Enjolras.  His mother frowned.  

"In that case," she began.  She snatched his ear and began dragging him along. 

"Ow!  Mom!  Ow!  Mom, that isn't necess- Ow!" said Enjolras.  

"You are coming with me to clean your room.  I have tried simply asking, but you have never come," said his mother.

"But Mom!" he whined.  "Ow!"

"No 'buts' Enjy!  You are coming to clean your room!"  Eponine shrugged.

"Heck.  I'll come too," she said.

**************

Enjolras, his mother, and Eponine were well on their way to Enjolras's house, and Eponine and Enjolras's mother were having a grand old time.  

"She'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes!" sang Enjolras's mother.

"When she comes!" sang Eponine.

"She'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes!"

"When she comes!"  This continued for a long while.  Enjolras covered up his free ear with his hands the whole time.  

After a few long hours, they finally reached Enjolras's home.  Enjolras's mother dragged Enjolras into his smelly room

and let go of his ear.

            "Oh," sighed Enjolras, massaging his ear.  "That is much better."

            "Now you clean this room, young man, or no dessert for a week!" ordered Enjolras's mother.

            "Wow, it _does_ smell in here," said Eponine.  She and Enjolras's mother walked out of the door and locked Enjolras in. 

            "Would you like a spot of tea dear?" offered Enjolras's mother.

            "Why I'd love some, Doris, thank you," answered Eponine.  

            Back in his room, Enjolras stomped his feet and pouted.  There had to find a way out, back to the barricade!  He eyed the window in the corner of the room and grinned.  The window was just large enough to crawl through!  He climbed up on his bed and jumped through the window.  

            Smiling a triumphant smile, Enjolras glanced around at his current surroundings.  He was now in an alley, with a young blonde girl facing away from him.  Enjolras nearly barfed.  That blonde was Cosette!  As quickly as he could, Enjolras ran back, jumped back through the window in his room, and began to hyperventilate.  He was surrounded and trapped!  The door was locked at one exit, and if he went out the window, Cosette was there!  There were no choices other than to starve to death in his room, or the unthinkable.  Clean it. . .

A/N:  Haha, I just wanted to point out to you people who didn't realize that I made Enjolras's mother's name Doris Enjolras.  It rhymes!!! 


	9. Catfight!

A/N: Winter-Lady - Thanks for the ideas about Enjolras's room, I'm using them. Hope you don't mind.  
  
Disclaimer: Don't own Les Miz, don't own Twinkies. . . though it would be nice, I'd probably be really rich.  
  
Chapter 9  
"Enjolras?" asked a familiar, but very, very frightening voice. "Enjolras? Is that you?" Enjolras was hyperventilating. The very last person he wanted to see was Cosette. He quickly hid his face under the latest issue of Revolutionary Weekly and was as quiet as he could be. After a few minutes he heard footsteps fading out. She was leaving! Breathing a heavy sigh of relief, he looked out the window just to make sure. The only thing he could see was Javert running after Jean Valjean screaming,  
  
"No! Come back, my love!"  
  
Yep. Everything was normal. Cautiously, he climbed out the window again.  
  
"Oh no you don't young man!" yelled Doris, who must have just opened the door to check on him. He frantically got through the window and started running. Looking back, he saw Doris try to climb through the window, but she didn't exactly fit.  
  
"Curse those Twinkies!" she exclaimed. "Come back here boy!"  
  
"I have to go save the Republic!" he shouted back to Doris.  
  
"Republic, schmepublic," was the last thing Enjolras heard his mother say before she faded out. He slowed down his pace.  
  
"Enjolras!" Did she get through the window? He began running again, as fast as he could. "It's Eponine!" Enjolras collapsed on the ground, gasping for breath. Eponine laughed at him.  
  
"It's really too bad child abuse hotlines haven't been invented yet," she said.  
  
"Enjolras? Eponine?" said Cosette behind them. Enjolras got up and started running, but collapsed again, out of breath.  
  
"Go on without me!" he whispered to Eponine. Eponine turned around and glared at Cosette.  
  
"Like, what is that look for, girlfriend?" said Cosette. Eponine gritted her teeth.  
  
"Look Cosette," she growled.  
  
"Talk to the hand, girl, 'cause the face don't wanna hear it," said Cosette as she held up her hand. Eponine screamed a battle cry and punched her right smack dab in the nose. Cosette fell over, unconscious. Eponine sat down next to Enjolras.  
  
"I feel so much better now," she sighed.  
  
"I want to try!" complained Enjolras. He sat up. "But she is already unconscious." Suddenly they saw a hay cart come along. They both looked away, whistling, pretending they did not see Cosette lying in the street.  
  
"Uh oh," said the driver of the hay cart as he looked down. Cosette was trapped underneath the hay cart!  
  
"Yes!" exclaimed Enjolras and Eponine under their breath. The driver looked at them.  
  
"You didn't see this happen," he said. Enjolras and Eponine shook their heads, and he ran off.  
  
"I sure hope he's not getting help," said Eponine.  
  
"I think he's just afraid of getting sued," responded Enjolras.  
  
"Good." Suddenly Marius came along, and saw Cosette underneath the hay cart.  
  
"Uh oh," he said. Javert came along at almost the same time, but did not notice Cosette.  
  
"Where's Jean Valjean when you need him?" said Javert and Marius at the same time. Javert gasped and pointed a finger accusingly at Marius.  
  
"It's you!" he exclaimed. "I knew there was another man in his life!"  
  
"I don't know what you are talking about, monsieur," said Marius.  
  
"I'm sure you don't!" yelled Javert. He slapped Marius. Marius slapped him back, and a catfight commenced. "You are the reason we broke up!"  
  
"So? So what if I slept with him? He doesn't love you Javert!" Eponine's jaw dropped. Enjolras was trying to keep from laughing.  
  
"He does love me! He just doesn't know it yet!"  
  
"No! He loves me!" This argument/catfight continued on for a while.  
  
"Enjolras?" said Eponine.  
  
"Yes?" said Enjolras.  
  
"Is Marius gay?"  
  
"Looks like it." Eponine whimpered and buried her face in her hands. It took Enjolras all the will power he had to hold back his laughter.  
A/N: This is sort of the end, but there will be one more chapter wrapping things up. I guess it's not the end then. Oh well. 


	10. Mood Swings

Chapter 10

            Since he was not lost anymore, Enjolras decided to head back the barricade.  Eponine was feeling suicidal again, so she came along too.  

            "Oh, woe!" cried Eponine.  "Woe is me!"  She was about to blow her nose on Enjolras's vest, but he quickly moved away and handed her a tissue.  

            "Don't mess with the vest," he muttered under his breath.

            "By the way," she said in between bawls.  "Doris says you are grounded for a year."

            "Do you think Cosette's dead?" asked Enjolras randomly.

            "I don't know.  I don't care.  I hope Javert's dead though."  Suddenly Eponine picked up a thick piece of wood and banged it numerous times on a tree, screaming, "Die Javert!  Die!"  

After all her stress had been released, she put the piece of wood on the ground, and sat down peacefully.

"I feel much better now," she sighed.  Enjolras smiled in amusement.  

"That's good," he said.

"I really need to get over these mood swings."   

****************

            Eventually, they reached the barricade.  Everyone was packing everything up, and it looked like they were about to leave.

            "What are you guys doing?" exclaimed Enjolras.  Gavroche came running up to him.

            "We won, Enjolras!" said Gavroche.  "I commanded the men to victory!"  Gavroche started acting out the battle, but Enjolras stopped him.

            "Hold on Gav.  You're saying you guys beat the National Guard. . . without me?  Under your command, not mine?"

            "Yeah!"  Enjolras sat down, frowning.

            "Well this sucks," he muttered to himself.  Eponine laughed.  Enjolras glared at her.

            "What?" she asked innocently.  "You laughed when we found out Marius was gay."  Enjolras sighed.  

            "So nothing is going our way for the two of us," he said.  "You don't get your man, and I don't get the fame of saving the Republic."  He flung his arms in the air helplessly. 

            "So what do we do now?" asked Eponine.

            "I don't know," said Enjolras.  "Go see if Cosette is dead or not?"  Eponine shrugged.

            "Got nothing else to do."  And so the two ventured out back to the village.

******************

            They observed that Marius and Javert had somehow gone from fighting to making out, Doris was asleep and snoring in the window, and Cosette was gone underneath the hay cart.  

            Enjolras cursed underneath his breath.

            "I heard that!" exclaimed Eponine.  "Shall I tell Doris?"

            "Are you threatening to blackmail me?"

            "No, but that's a good idea."

            Suddenly Cosette came around the corner on crutches.  Half of her hair was gone, and what was left of it had turned slightly gray.  She had a black eye and bruises all over her body.  In other words, she had turned extremely ugly.  Enjolras and Eponine both burst into tears of laughter.  After a long time of laughter, Eponine managed to choke out,

            "What happened to you?"

            "It is a side affect of the medication," grumbled Cosette as she stormed off.  Eponine and Enjolras continued to laugh throughout the night.

THE END!

A/N:  Eek, didn't know how to end it.  I have another idea for a Les Miz fic, but I'm not sure when I can start writing it and get it up.  Hopefully it will be in less than a month.  


End file.
